A week on Monday the Hundred Feet Heroes Halfling team will seriously take to the field. The brave little balls of blubber will commence their first ever outing onto the Blood-Bowl league filed of play.
Hopefully I will be able to write a bit of a humerous short blog that charts the fall and possible rise of the HFH fortunes throughout their first season. I will not play the league to win as such but to cause as much humour and shinanigans as possible apon the unsuspecting Blood-Bowl players of the league. I will try to add querky skills and the like to give the team more flavour than the usual run-of-the-mill halfling skill selection would denoted ~ So long as the the little buggers survive to get any skills that is!
This may generate some interesting cartooning ideas as their exploits continue, and I will post any resulting cartoon strips here and on the main HFH thread in the "GGEneral CHat" area.
So stay tuned my HFH fans and Halfling lovers out there!...May the humerous errors commence!............
IN THE BEGINNING THERE WAS A HALFLING TEAM.....
It had so far been a wonderful day for Hazmir Longfoot. So far he’d had breakfast, all three, brunch which consisted of eggs bacon and beans and to top it off before he donned his boots and armour he had managed to wrangle a few hotdogs from a vendor. The smell of the freshly cooked meats still wafted onto the field and tickled the senses in Hazmirs nose, making his mouth water still at the thought of possibly getting another one.
His pleasant thoughts of food and his stomach, were brutally brought back to his current situation. He had the ball and a half naked dwarf, spittle frothing at the mouth, hair glued into a severely tall crest was bearing down on him with surprising speed.
This is gonna hurt! Thought Hazmir as gauged the distance between him and the charging dwarf. He quickly looked around for some sort of protection and was greeted by the looming presence of Toobefor, his teams treeman, slowly plodding his way up the field from behind him. With a flurry of feet, Hazmir ran towards the treeman just thirty feet away, the pounding sound of the berserk dwarf’s iron tipped boots thumping away in his ears as the distance between them closed. Hazmir the halfling sprinted towards the lumbering Toobefor, the ball tucked tightly into the crook of his right arm, his left pumping away for all it was worth. A bellow of rage erupted from behind him as he neared the wooden bulk of the treeman, the dwarf was nearly apon him. The trunk of Toobefor almost filled his field of vision. At the last moment, Hazmir leapt up feet first and impacted on the bulk of Toobefors trunk. With a small grunt Hazmir pushed out with his legs and recoiled up and back out over the approaching dwarf. The dwarf caught off guard by the halflings’ suddenly maneuver, barreled head long into the treeman trunk at full run. Hazmir heard the satisfying noised of a bone jarring whack as he landed nimbly to his feet. Toobefor had stopped his slow progress and peered down at the unconscious dwarf, his hair once tall and mighty splayed out in a rough, flat spiky circle around his forehead. Toobefor looked up at the panting halfling holding the ball tightly.
“I thought I felt something odd!” boomed the hoarse voice of Toobefor as he flicked the unconscious body of the dwarf away with one of his mighty branch arms, towards the side lines like a rag doll.
“You never really know if you’ve actually hit something until you have to look down to check!” a rasping noise issued from within the depths of the tree folk standing before Hazmir. He knew by now that the treeman was having a good laugh at the expense of anything that was smaller than him. That was most of the players he came up against.
“Thank the pie makers! If you weren’t around that dwarf would of beaten me into the ground if he’d managed to get his hands on me!” Grinned Hazmir as he beat his free hand on his ample belly that protruded proudly over his belt buckle.
“Anything to help out my mighty fellow!” chuckled Toobefor as he reached down and gently plucked the halfling from the ground.
The treeman placed Hazmir between the many branched that made up part of what you could call the top of his head. Hazmir wrapped his legs tightly around one of them as the treeman started his slow plod back up the field and towards the raucous noise of players beating each other up. From his advantage point, Hazmir could see ahead and past the slowly approaching mass of players from both sides. The halflings as usual were running around the dwarfs trying to find a lone dwarf to pick on with as many of their number as possible. They weren’t having much luck, the dwarves had opted to split most of their players into two tightly formed groups and were marauding slowly around the field chasing down the equally slow halflings. Hazmir watched as an overly eager halfling by the name of Stewpot, ran forward to tackle a dwarf on one of the groups that had strayed out from them. The halfling was swatted away by the burly dwarf with a quick thrust of an armoured elbow to his mid section, and the halfling flopped to the ground moaning, clutching at his stomach.
Toobefor continued ever onwards up the field and crossed into the dwarfs half. The second group of dwarfs, spotting the lumbering Toobefor with Hazmir and ball in his branches, turned away from the pile of groaning halflings they were stamping on and charged forward to meet the treeman. There were five in their pack as they slammed into the trunk of Toobefor, all of them putting their shoulders in, in a attempt to topple him. Toobefor was having none of it and plucked a dwarf from around his trunk with a huge hand of leaves and small branches. With the struggling dwarf in his grip he brought him up to his scowling wooden face.
“ You’re my mulch now boy!” bellowed the treeman into the wriggling dwarfs face. With a swing of his branch arm, Toobefor brought the dwarf down onto his team mates, using his head and body like a fleshy club. Bleeding and broken bodies of dwarfs flew away from the treeman, as the dwarf club ploughed through their midst. Hazmir yelled in glee as Toobefor threw the now limp form of the dwarf he held onto the still form of one of his comrades. A roar of approval boomed out from the masses of fans lining the edge of the playing field as Toobefor and Hazmir continued on.
The first lot of dwarfs off the Toobefors and Hazmirs left had noticed that a fair few of their team lay bleeding and groaning in the wake of Toobefors passing and that the halfling and treeman where nearing the back section of their half. The dwarfs would have left the treeman and halfling to score and not risked the additional casualties, had it not been for the fact that there was only a couple of minutes left of the game and that the score at the moment was one a piece. In unison the dwarves changed direction and en mass charged in Toobefors direction.
“Come on Toobefor, we’re nearly there just a few more strides to go” Screeched Hazmir from among the branches of the treemans head. A couple of the dwarves that Toobefor had swept aside had got up and were chasing after them from behind.
“Hurry, hurry, hurry!” wailed the halfling as the larger mass of dwarves raced up to the treeman.
“ I’m going as fast as I can!” boomed Toobefor. Three dwarves pounced at the lumbering feet of the treeman, holding his roots together to stop his movement. For a moment Toobefor teetered forward as the weight of himself nearly toppled him over as he came to a sudden stop. Hazmir gave out a scream as he felt himself almost thrown out of the treemans branches. More dwarves slammed into the trunk of Toobefor and he swayed back and forth at the dwarves pressed home there assault.
A desperate thought leapt into Hazmirs mind and he quickly scrambled out of the treemans head branches and inched his way towards the shouldered of one of his arms.
“Quick, throw me over them.” Shouted Hazmir as he clambered along the treemans arm and into the wooden fingers.
“But you haven’t done that before?!” growled Toobefor, and batted a dwarf that had dislodged a large chunk of bark from his trunk.
“Just do it!” screamed Hazmir over the shouts of the attacking dwarves below.
“OK. Just hold on to that ball and don’t pass out”
Hazmir looked down at the face of the treeman curiously.
“What do you mean don’t. . .” started Hazmir but was cut off mid sentence as the arm of Toobefor arced forward like a siege catapult. The wind was crushed from Hazmirs lungs as he was launched forward high over the heads of the dwarves. The wind howled in his ears and managed to open his eyes just in time to see the ground start to race up towards him. Hazmir was hurtling towards the muddy field head first, and a strange thought crossed his mind, was this what it was like for those mad goblin doom divers when they were launched from their catapults? The thought quickly passed as the immanent impact with the hard ground made itself a priority. With a last second action, Hazmir managed to turn and hold himself into a ball position, just as he made contact with the ground. The remainder of the air in his lungs was force out in a short snorting grunt and he bowled across the ground towards the scoring line at the back of the dwarves half of the pitch. The world spun around and around in a painful tumble for Hazmir as his speed was used up with his body thumping along the ground. Still Hazmir held onto the ball with all the force his little body could. Finally the jarring pain subsided from pummeling his body, and the world kept spinning inside Hazmirs mind. Groggily he sat up and nearly fell to his side immediately as he tried to stop the spinning. There was a roaring noise in his ears and he instantly took it for the affects of spinning so much that his hearing was affected, but then realized that it was the voices of thousands of cheering fans all bellowing in his direction. A sense of immense pride flowed trough him as he soaked up the noise from the fans and unsteadily got to his feet. The world was still spinning and there was two of every thing. His head throbbed as he stumbled towards the score line, the crowd roaring in his ears. He managed with much swaying and staggering to plant foot before foot in a endless battle to head towards the score line that kept spinning away from him. The throbbing increased in his head and it felt that a giant was crushing his skull between its clenched hands, getting tighter and tighter. Spots of red and black started to dances before his eyes and moving his legs felt like lifting lead bars. The darkness swept over Hazmir as a final deafening roar greeted his passing into unconsciousness.
The final wistle had blown and the game was at an end. Hazmir was brought back to the world with a healthy soaking from the water bucket. He was laying on the pitch surrounded on all sides by the grinning smiles and cheers of his battered team mates as they crowded round him. In his hands he still hung onto the ball. He looked up in to the faces of his team.
“ What happened?” croaked Hazmir.
“ You only won the bloody game you limp biscuit!” shouted the face of his team captain, Crudly Grandladle, as he stepped passed the ranks of halflings and knelt down beside Hazmir.
“ I did?” queried Hazmir, “ I thought I hadn’t made it.”
“ Best bit of staggering I’ve seem in years!” grinned his captain and waved away a few of the halflings so they left a bit of ground clear three feet away. “ You managed to walk six feet along the score line then at the last moment put a foot across and bloody scored you great cabbage!” and he pointed emphatically at the spot where Hazmir had crossed the line. Hazmir grinned a huge toothy grin at Grandladle, and the captain thrust a big steaming pie and a tankard of mead into his hands.
“ I’d say you earned that alright.” And the surrounding halflings gave a cheer as Hazmir took a big bite from the pie and washed it down with a large swig of mead.
....AND THUS WAS BORN THE HUNDRED FEET HEROES!
SEASON 1
DAY 1
GAME 1
Due to a misunderstanding by the HFH and the Commisioner of the SQUIG League, the HFH turned up to the stadium full of hope and promise to get their teeth sunk into some new opponents ankles! Alas that was not to be. The official match-up for the HFH had not been drawn and so the HFH had the opportunity to have a friendly against a newly arrived Lizardman team the Lustria Bay Lizards.
Now over to our commentators for this match, Stu and Jim....
Tune into the Crystal Ball Sounds (CBS), for the match !....
JIM: Good afternoon sports fans, welcome to a beautiful day at the Nutral ground of Dwentfeld Training Ground for the Thespian Pirates. Since they are off Pillaging and playing Blood-Bowl else where, the Heroes and the Lizards have full use of there facilities for this pre-season warm up.
STU: I can see both stands are fairly full of cheering nutter, and it seems the contingent of scally followers are getting the better of the Heroes fans.
JIM: That's only because the Bag of Bangers stall has just opened....hmmm think I'll send out for some!
STU: Stop drooling Jim you'll messy up your shirt again..
JIM: Sorry....Looks like the teams are taking to the pitch. Let's just have a quick run through of the Heroes team as the captains toss the coin....Stu?
STU: We have father and sapling treemen Toobefor and Pot-Plant, at 1 team Captain Hungerford, new boy Goof at 2, Moomin Terror from the North Moot wearing number 3, Kay Bob at 4, Han Burg at 5, Tom Matto in 6, 7 will be Chad Errs, in 8 Matt Loaf, 9 Sor Reen, 10 Hammond Eggs, in the number 11 shirt Diz Washer, 12 has Kev Bacon as a recent signing, Marian Thon takes 13 and filling the last position on the roster is Big Wally in 14.
JIM: What about the Lizards?...Don't they get a mention?
STU: NOPE!...six saurus, six skinks.
JIM: No names or numbers?
STU: NOPE! It's a friendly for the Gods sake!....who cares!
JIM: Ooookay....Right looks like HFH's Hungerford has won the toss and elected to kick..
STU: WHOOO-HOOO! GAME ON!
*BACKGROUND CHEER*
JIM: There goes the ball, deep into the Lizards half..
STU: And there goes the HFH front line!...
*CRACK*
JIM: Ohh!...Our favourite cermaic Heroes Pot-Plant, sends a skink into the ground.
STU: Looks like the orderlies are going to earn their wages this game Jim...Looks like they've collected most of his bits and carting them off...
JIM: Regrow that you scaley scum!!...
STU: Looks like Toobefor is a bit surrounded, there's Saurus and skinks galor stratching away at him...
JIM: Oh my! Moomin just got a talon to the throat.....there's bloody every where...
STU: Jeeeez! Guess those free ressurection scrolls from the SQUIG Commisioner are going to be needed really badly this game...
*CROWD: "TIIIIIM-BEERRRRR!"
STU: HOLY MOLEY.. there goes Toobefor, those ruddy saurus gang banged him...
JIM: Let's hope he gets revenge later.
STU: Let's hope he gets up Jim!
JIM: Well it seems his lad Po-Plant has noticed and is making his way...erm....is it his it "it's"..
STU..dunno mate..
JIM: Anyway Pot-Plant is making a desperate ..erm..run? to aim his old man...tree pos..
STU: Try not to think Jim....Looks like the earner move will aid....OH! Down goes our Pot-Plant. Must of tripped over that stunned saurus.
JIM: I see a skink with the ball, making it's way intot he HFH half..
STU:...Ouch! Sor Reen just hit the dirt, now blood as far as I can see...
JIM: No broken bones sticking out either. He looks out for the count....yes the orderlies are swiftly making their way onto the pitch to retrieve him.
STU: Looks like the lads are getting a pounding by the mass of saurus in the mid field...and the skink is very close to the line.
JIM:...look, like he's slowing down...why that slimy little...
STU: Don't worry, Kay Bob and Han Burg are making a dash for him.
STU: Ah! Tom Matto has seen him as well and is untangling himself from the saurus, he gonna join the...
*THUD*
*CROWD: "Ooooooow!"
STU: ..Maybe not he just got short-armed by a skink. An here come the orderlies again...
JIM: Oh My! Captain Hungerford just had a thundering elbow stick to the head....yes, I think it's a bad one there...yup more orderlies..
STU: ...That damned skink is hovering over the score line......he's taunting the HFH near him...
JIM: I think Chad Errs has seen what he's doing...yup, he gave those two forward skink the slip...
STU: The HFH are forming the classic "Sheep Dog"..
JIM: That's right, limit the buggers options and close down on him.
STU: AH DAMN! The skink gave Errs the finger and hopped over the line. One nil to the Lizards.
JIM: The boys got caught up in all those saurus, and we've got about 10 minutes of the first half to play.
STU: Let's hope the Heroes can pull off a good play here and even the score before patching up the survivers at half time.
JIM: Well replacements are back on, our mighty treemen are up and about and Goof is looking like the Halfling of the moment as the ball arcs down towards him.
STU: Well lets see what the lads will do, I see the line up is Toobefor and Pot-Plant on the right wing and scrimmage line..
JIM: ..Nuts to that, Goof has scooped up the ball and is pounding across the pitch to Chad Errs in the shadow of Toobefor...
STU: Just look at that potted killing machine go! He just swatted that Saurus out of Toobefors path!
JIM: Just as well as Goof hands off the ball to Chad Errs..
STU: Kay Bob has made a break for it down the right wing, nimbly edging past the waiting pair of skinks..
JIM: I THINK IT'S LAUNCH TIME!!....
STU: ...IT IS!....Toobefor hurls Errs far...far down field...
JIM: Not a bad landing by young Chads there, stumbled a bit but he's still going!
*CROWD ROAR *
STU: GO ON MY SON!....IT'S CHAD ERRS RACING FOR THE LINE! C'MOOOOOON!
JIM: YES, YES !!....HE'S NEARLY THERE, IT'S A............
*CROWD: AAAAaaaaah! *
STU: ...SLAP A DUCK! HE'S NOSE DIVED OVER THE LINE. HE'S DOWN....NOOOOOOooo!
JIM: DAMMIT! So close. Looks like the orderlies are out on the field again.
STU: *sigh* Yup, my guess bruised ribs. We won't see him for the rest of the match.
JIM: The back marker Skink has retreived the ball and is moving back towards the halfway line.
STU: There goes the whistle! The ref blows for half time, Lutria Bay Lizards lead one to nothing going into the half time break...
JIM: So close there, so close.....we'll be back with the start of the second half after this message from the match sponsors. Lars & Rasions, the scar pattern people....Stay tuned.......
SECOND HALF
AD-MAN: ".......so she knows you mean it. Wife-shackles by Shevanzit."
JIM: Welcome back to the the second half. The Lustria Bay Lizards have a single
touchdown lead over the Hundred Feet Heroes. Captain Hungerford, Chad Errs and
Moomim Terror languish in the apothecaries cart and we still see no sign of Tom
Matto and Sor Reen recovering consiousness for the second half start.
STU: They even tried waving a pile of sausages under their noses. Not a flicker
of response. They must really have been out of it!
JIM:..were they from the Gravy Train out back in the Cart Park? The ones with
big dobs of green mustard...
STU: STOP IT.....
JIM: Sorry....Ah the ref has summoned the teams onto the field and the HFH will
be on the receiving end...
STU: Problem is the receiving end of what!..
JIM: Yeah!......There goes the ball and...Oh that was a small child...I swaer
it!..
STU...My word, Diz Washer, seeing his first action of the match has been down
by a three year old!...he looks OK.
JIM: I think that's his mother retreiving him.
STU: Parents really must control their children!
*CROWD CHEERING*
JIM: The ball lands mid field and the play starts...Their goes young blood Goof
down the left wing assisted by Han Burg..
STU: Looks like they've singled out a skink for a double teaming...
*CROWD: Ahhhhhh!*
JIM: And that's the yong blood spilling blood!...
STU: That's Goof gone to the the Apoths..
JIM: Someone should tell him to not LITERALLY use his head when tackling...
STU...YUP!....Looks like Pot-Plant and Toobefor are taking on the entire
frontline of saurus...there's a couple on the floor in front of them but they
has plenty more to go through.
JIM: Kay Bob and a skink go head to head on the inner right flank..Oh they're
both down!
STU: No blood and guts so the teams may be able to get them back later on...
JIM: Kev Bacon..ball in hand is making his way through the press on bodies in
the centre field..
STU: ...he's going for the right flank...
*CROWD: HA-HA-HA-HA!! *
JIM: I don't think so, that saurus tail tripped him good and proper. YUP he's
out for the count.
STU: A skink in the packed masses in centre field grabs the ball as it bobbles
towards him.
*WHISTLE*
JIM: Their the ref, Jugger Orc sending off a skink after a blatant kick to Matt
Loafs donuts!...
STU:...skinks....their just so.....cold blooded!...
JIM: Han Burg on the left sees his opportunity on another skink....he's going
hell for leather at him...NO! Down he goes...
STU: Right in the face. A quick jab from the skink sends Burg to the
floor....orderlies away again....
JIM: He's moving but not with it...
STU: I'll give boys their due, they really are trying to give it their all.
JIM: Will it be enough? We'll see...the Lizards push forwards a few yards with
the ball. The HFH throwing bodies into the mix looking for a weekness...
STU: Pot-Plant is keeping a few of the saurus and skink busy at centre filed
right as does Toobefor on the right. Can they keep the Lizards at bay?
JIM: MARION THON JUST WENT DOWN!...I think is was a trip as he headed for a
stray skink! Oh Knockout!...NO! I see blood from his face...and that's all
Thon will see of this game...
STU: The skink with the ball makes a fast break down the HFH right flank, he's
just raced past the back markers!...
JIM: Diz Washer and Hammond Eggs in pursuit.....Yes! Washer just brought him
down..the balls loose....it's gone into the crowd!..
*CROWD: YAAAAAAAAY!! *
STU: Somebody has a good arm in there!...The ball has been launched into centre field...its going to hit Kay Bob!...IT DOES!..
JIM: No damage done but the ball is dangerously loose with all those saurus and skink about in the middle there!..
STU: Yet another skink slipps past the HFH lines, Bob is hurled out the way by a wayward saurus. It's got he ball...Just look at him go!..
JIM: Damn them, they're fast! and the seconds are ticking away to full time...
STU: It looks like a clear run for the skink to the endzone! Can the boys prevent the score?!...Diz Washer makes a run for the ball carrier..
JIM: ...well I don't think he saw that saurus coming. He just went down like a sack of spuds....
STU: WOW! What a fast touchdown! A common acheivement with these scaly beggers...The Skink is strutting his stuff in front of is fans..
*WHISTLE.............WHISTLE-WHISTLE*
STU: We'll that's it! The HFH lose two to nothing after a mediocre game. We saw a slight chance of equalising at the end of the first half.
JIM: It may have given the Heroes that little bit of insentive for the second, but the speed and sheer strength of the Lustri Bay Lizards just was too much for them..
STU: A quick check of the stats and its....5 KO and 5 CAS against the HFH with a CAS and a Sending off against the Lizards. A two nil loss that could of been alot worse with such a speedy opposition. This has been Stu for the Pugwash Press reporting to you live from the Dwentfeld Training Ground.
JIM: We'll see you soon as we follow the Heroes wagons to their next game. Tune in next week for our live commentary. I'm Jim and I'm a Heroe...Good night!
Hundred Feet Heroes VS Lutria Bay Lizards
SCORE: 0-2
CAS: 1-5
SO: 0-1
