Official Monkeybowl Tribes Sledging Thread

[Hangus]

Really happy with the addition of Barney to Swim Team. A man who has smashed me on more than one occasion.

I heard he was 'hanging out the back of him'.

[Wightlord]

*Breaking News*
Just this morning our intrepid Roving PBB report team "papped" the esteemed Pippy as he emerged from this shop. Was he buying tournament prizes or just "Lapdog" fetish gear for his next meeting with El Presidente???

[Pipey]

What can I say...

[shaniepoo]

What can I say...

You can say what ever you want... just dont talk with your mouth full

And with our weakest link now cut from the chains that were holding us back (sorry Big Pete) The Bashers are making a move on the trophy. With the team draw done it looks like the Bashers are in a position (one of many we can perform) to be thrusted into the history books as Tribes champions!

Can Spunky Dunc make the money shot
Can Dobby live up to the Bashers expectations... and what will he be forced to do to be accepted
What really goes through the head of the master-mind known as 'The Daddy'... Only Pippy knows
And as for Shaniepoo... Im trying hard not to have a wet dream about maybe beating the worlds greatest Blood bowler

The game is on... and we wownt be the ones holding the 'soggy biscuit'

[Pipey]

I freely offer my booty if it will inspire you to victory against DTW!

[Purplegoo]

Back due to no demand at all, having leapt over most aquatic life (including sharks).... The return of domestic team action brings about....

Purplegoo's Purple Picks – MonkeyBowl 2012 Edition!

Now, I've not done this since I left the People's Republic of Wigan, and the Sizzler is clearly now the man. But he's not coming. I owe it to pies everywhere to have a go, even in a week where the Tories are taxing them. Bastards. That's Wigan gone. How will they cope?!

GBBL Presents – Gazza's Tears – Don Vito (capt.), Pippy, Stick, Stan the Man who can

I've a hazy, acid-scorched memory of the Flame Bowls. As I understand it, what happened was my team got to table one late on Sunday under my glorious captaincy, I dispatched my last opponent and awaited my coronation. Then, there was a 5 hour wait as Nipples disappeared to work the world's smallest laptop (a tablet before the days of the i-pad that ran on elastic bands and magic). He went onto emerge with Peter Beardsley holding a shotgun in the small of his back to announce the Geordies had won sixteen out of their four last games on table seven, and as such, won. Gene Wilder then informed Paul Gegg he'd failed his driving test, and everyone went home disgruntled.

But that was the past, what of today? Don Vito leads from the front with a combination of volume and pointy ears. Brendan has proven to everyone he isn't a powergamer by taking the race that won two years ago. Stan and Stick bring up the rear with top tier. What's perhaps more worrying to their foes is that there are numerous GBBL teams to fall on their swords this year, that's more than one freebie round...

Prediction: 3rd. It's a funny old game, Blood Bowl (TM - Downes, every game he ever plays). With their plucky, underdog victories behind them, it would be textbook to see the Geordies miss out when all looks in their favour.

Did you know? Stan has trademarked his face everywhere but Thailand, where his image is mass produced for free on lunchboxes, and in an attempt to get on Jeremy Kyle, Stick claimed his baby had 'grown an internet'. Sadly, he fell asleep backstage as Kyle attempted in vain to Google 'Scumbags to make me cash' up Lucas's nose.

Team DTW – Jim (capt.), Joe, Rycros, Geggster

Rightly conceding that a full on team Waterbowl would ruin everyone's fun, the Mubo-less J's went and got themselves some ringers. These Blood Bowling Galácticos are going to be a real force to reckon with, lesser races or nay. Rumour has it that the hetero man-love between Dave and Paul is so strong and built on such mutual respect that they run every decision past each other, shoes, other halves, who to vote for on the X-Factor (Dave always goes for the groups, Paul just votes for Louie). Jim and Joe, however, are bound only by their feverish need for victory. They would discard each other like a bad smell at the first sign of weakness. Will this fearsome foursome be an unbeatable juggernaut or a clash of egos? Racial choices point to early disharmony; Jim has clearly veto'd the theme by clinging to the Wood.

Prediction: 1st. It's impossible not to back this horse, however much we'd all love to see them fall at the first.

Did you know? Joe doesn't really like all of that obscure Indie rot – his mp3 player consists only of Bonnie Tyler's full discography, and Paul Gegg's dislike of tomato ketchup is so strong that Professor Brian Cox was actually correct and not patronising in calling something 'amazing' . Quite remarkable, I had no idea that could happen.

Pippy's Booty Batterers – Wightlord (capt.), Dobby, TCG, Shaniepoo

What a colossal error this column made last time out in predicting a long weekend for the Booty Batterers. And didn't this lot remind me of it later?! PBB delivered and then some at the last Flame Bowl, not missing out on the title by very much at all. New recruit Dobby has perhaps the finest car in history, and Fred Durst himself is going to donate a red cap to the Dobbster if PBB pull off a glorious victory this weekend. Any time Wightlord comes ashore, ready yourself for excellent BB and more innuendo than Carry On Nerding. TCG is without BIG PETE for perhaps the only time this year, so will being let off the leash empower or hold back the chosen one? Rear Admiral Shaniepoo is always good value, and there is always the thong worry...

Prediction: 7th. I never learn, do I?! I'll be hearing about this for weeks...

Did you know? The Chosen Gobbo is such a fan of TV's Man Vs. Food that he plans on staging a North Eastern episode Saturday night. 15 parmos and / or bust, it'll be quite the feat. Shaniepoo is taking his new invention (florescent monkeys) on Dragon's Den next series, but will only work with Theo on principle.

Swim Team – SillySod (capt.), MFGP, Purplegoo, Barney 'T' Lurker

Having spent two years at the helm and come up short twice, the time was right to step aside and hand over to top performer SillySod. His reign has been brief so far, but terrible all the same. He has spent two weeks sending us all e-mails with videos of his 'stabby hobby', hiding racial choices and strategies around the corpses of ladies of the night for us to absorb amongst the carnage. I'd shop him, but he's got dirt on me – and I don't need my terrible secret revealed just yet. Geoff Porritt is chomping at the bit to redeem himself (not just for BB, you know, it's Geoff), and Barney is a more than ample late replacement. Can this motley crew go one step further?

Prediction: 2nd. Always second. Even when we should be 4th at best? There will be some bleating, I tells ya...

Did you know? Barney the Lurker is a keen collector of the works of 1980's Japaneese writers (but can't read Japaneese), and Geoff Porritt is changing his name to Frazer too.

Brutal League of Creamy Friends – Alex (capt.), Beanbag, Northernknight, Muttley

This column predicted big things of Leipziger in the run up to the World Cup. Oh yes, it did. And yea verily, big things came to pass. Back to back tournament victories for the leader of the sky blue followed, and now he leads some fine gentlemen into North Eastern battle. Flanking our glorious leader is pin-up Beanbag (his pout is known to shed female clothes for a twenty mile radius on a clear day), southern Northernknight (there is something about Watford Gap in there that the rest of the country doesn't understand) and Muttley, who I hear is improving faster than Andrew Marr has to back down when a politician says 'injunction'. Certainly dark horses.

Prediction: 8th. Even though they may be this year's Booty Batterers and shoot up the tables, I've a funny feeling they may start slowly.

Did you know? Leipziger only learned German in order to mention the war, and Northernknight only ever uses bishops. Knights tend to get left behind.

Team Special Tactics – Nipples (capt.), Hitonodoodah, Hangus, Indigo

Here is a dangerous team. Lead by last year's champion and Flame Bowl mastermind (the man with the golden) Nipples, Team Special Tactics can all play a bit. Apart from Indigo, who could play in the 80's, and could get good again any day soon. Nipples runs an efficient, muscle bound ship, and will not accept second best. Hitona... Hitone... That guy who I can't be bothered to copy / paste is an insane risk taking machine, and will no doubt illicit at least one shout of 'Horseshit' by the end of th weekend. Big Ben is a canny performer and the rock of any team. This four really could go all of the way, they certainly have the pedigree.

Prediction: 4th. It'll be tight up in the top 5-6 and I could easily believe Nippy could lead his men to any position up there. Since they have Indy, mind, let's not get too cocky.

Did you know? Nipples would be the greatest ever BB player if he wasn't so damned nice (and beautiful), and Indigo is actually good, I am joking. This disclaimer was brought to you in association with Podcasts, which are all utterly superb.

GBBL Presents: Parmo Pirates – Marley (capt.), Craig, Hanna, MattyR

To the second of our GBBL representatives, then, the Parmo Pirates. I do wonder why pirates would trouble themselves with unhealthy food, when Cash for Gold would have us believe there's money in pick pocketed jewellery. I mean, don't get me wrong, I like a crap in a tray meal, but to move to Somalia? With a North Eastern complexion?

Anyway, Marley is a loose cannon. Five parts mentalist with three parts Ricky Martin fan, anything can happen when he rallies his troops. Hana and MattR are really starting to score points (except for in the Gauntlet, of course), and Craig can only be befitting from being Brendan's favourite GBBL'er (he confessed his love over a Bloody Mary at the Poo Bowl. Promised I wouldn't tell). Perhaps they can shock the Geordie world?

Prediction: 9th. Harsh perhaps... Who knows!

Did you know? Hana has lead her life and made all decisions entirely based on meetings with Stick (leaves the gag... And... You're back in the room), and Matt only thinks in Gauntlet points. It's gotten so bad, he can't understand any other scoring system, and someone has to convert.

GBBL Presents: The Four Js – Mamapepe (capt.)*, Jeeves, Schmee, Leon

*May not appear, see past record.

It's been ages since I last saw Jeeves. I wonder, has time ravaged his once beautiful face? Is he still even alive, is this a cardboard cutout? Only time will tell. James will probably show up, but it's early to say, and what to say of the other two? Leon is due a bit of luck post Amsterdam, and has written an entire BB musical that he's going to be unveiling this weekend. He just needs someone to bankroll it now, so expect Paul Gegg to get inundated with requests for 'loose change'. The man they call Schmee (well, we all do, really) is a Blood Bowling colossus, genius, hero, scholar and poet. The usual text sweepstake is underway, and as always, I like many bets. I've gone with a Commodore 64 user manual, 'Morg; the Early Years' and the screenplay to Rocky IV.

Prediction: 5h. They could be boom or bust, this lot. I expect a big return from Jeeves. If he's alive.

Did you know? Schmee is not really Bren's brother, they just bonded young over cricket and 70's punk, and James was once described as 'My favourite human being ever, I can die happy now I've seen him with my own eyes' by Jimmy Saville.

Team Scotland – phil78, Purdinas (capt.), DonShula, Shaheen

Last week, I rented the modern classic 'The Rock' from Blockbusters. Little did I know, there is a still at the end of the credits informing the viewer that having watched a movie involving Sean Connery, he or she is now more eligible for the Scotland Eurobowl team than all but two of their current members. Luckily for everone; I'd look rubbish in a dress. Lead by hardened campaigner Purdinas, this northern lot cannot be overlooked, eligible or nay. I read on the interweb somewhere that Ant and DonShula are actually deliberately picking daft skills to give us all a chance, there is confidence. phil78 is a dedicated White Isle Leagueist, and as such can never be overlooked whilst away from the monitor. Shaheen is a new name on me, but there again, once that was true of Steven Segal, and it didn't hold that guy back. Look at him.

Prediction: 6h. Oh flower of Scotland... Doo dee de daaah, I hate the English! Some other words.

Did you know? All four of these north of the border heroes will arrive on Saturday morning in a blue stretched Hummer, and will exit to the strains of the Proclaimers in skirts. Only one of them will understand why that's Scotch.

Teesside Alliance (brought to you in conjunction with Tritex Games) – Zed (capt.), Tritex, Peo, Lister

Last and least? Dunno, don't look down! Tritex is back, and he always seems to do great with bananabars rosters. The question has to be, what is he packing this weekend? Probably some bonkers star player that will turn out utterly genius. Daz is a really solid performer, and could beat anyone. Peo and Lister will be right up for the challenge, and their team will drag them along. Can an alliance of Teeside compete?

I don't know. But it is a prediction column, so I have to guess. Some may ask why I bother if I don't know, and to those guys, I say, erm, shut up.

Prediction: 10th. Someone had to be.

Did you know? Tritex actually believes if his dice exit the playing area, they will come up with higher numbers, hence the launching we normally see, and Daz will forever be my favourite.

Special mention to Val and Reaver. What impact will these two free radicals have on proceeedings? It could be mahoosive.

Tune in and find out.... It's on!

[Don__Vito]

Bravo Phil, comedy genius!

[Hangus]

Brilliant Phil. Good work

[Hitonagashi]

Hitona... Hitone... That guy who I can't be bothered to copy / paste is an insane risk taking machine, and will no doubt illicit at least one shout of 'Horseshit' by the end of th weekend.

Very tempted to sig that. You know you love it really

Hilarious, great work

[Sizzler]

This is literary gold!

[stanrichardson]

Great work Phil

[Pipey]

To join the chorus of praise, amazing stuff!

Keep it coming!!

[Don__Vito]

I feel we need to turn the attention on the Swim team. It appears they have crept up as the new kids in town and seem to have got the attention of those in the know, tipping them as favorites? Let's take a closer look at the members and some of the facts they DON'T want you to know...

Sillysod is infamous for his hooker murdering and dodgy beard growing, so focusing on those facts seems almost a waste of time. We all know he has a penchant for chopping ladies of the night up and forcing himself on God fearing men at ungodly hours of the morning even when hundreds of miles away. But do people know about his leadership capabilities? You would expect the captain of the favorites to be a strong willed, charismatic, enigmatic, articulate and awe-inspiring figurehead, (A bit like me) right? So how have the Swim Team ended up with Sillysod at the front? The slightly autistic childlike figure certainly doesn't inspire me onto greatness, and given his irrational hatred of the rest of his team I'm not too sure he is the man (child?) for the job?

What more can be said about MFGP? I would imagine he is absolutely gutted this year that his Captain has obviously overridden his racial choice, as we all know he's dying to play his Amazons again. Surely Sillysod veto'ed his first choice to pick the girls up and get on the field with them again, and it was only the Captain's final word that prevented the comeback we've all been looking forward to. Since October 16th 2010. Which was twelve tournaments ago. And the only re-emergence we've seen apart from one scant Chump GT since 2008. Poor Geoff, accusations of rank protecting may haunt him but at least here he can hold his Captain up as the only reason he's not got the ladies back...

Mr Pearson, don't think you got off lightly either? We know you are naturally worried about Geordie’s in general (And who wouldn’t be with a shocking record of 5/5/12 against the four of us?), and that you are also slightly nervous about any kind of GFI’s, especially ones into the endzone that you tend to fail almost every game from what I’ve heard? The thing we realise you are most afraid of though, is expectation. The world will be looking in on MonkeyBowl VII and looking directly at you Mr Goo. Top rated coach on the top rated team, that’s a lot of responsibility right there. Now, a man with the hair of Hucknell and the logical mind of Stephen Hawking shouldn’t buckle under pressure, but it appears you have a track record of choking. Be sure to eat your Curry properly, we don’t want any excuses.

So that’s it for the Swim Team. All their coaches and all their weaknesses exposed for the Blood Bowl community to mull over. And this is why I think…. hang on…. what’s that? They have another guy who has been FORCED to join them? That’s not going to be very good for team spirits is it? Oh well, suppose we’d better check him out then…?

Barney, Barney, Barney? Where did it all go wrong? Flame On B where a great team to play for. Good friends, tight knit group, and no quarrels or arguments to blight you. Everyone loved the ‘other’ team from Manchester, you where doing so well. Now, it’s come down to being forced to join the team who don’t seem to be able to get on with each other or anyone else, and if the rumours are to be believed, didn’t really want you either? Now I’m not one to spread malicious gossip, but I heard Sillysod launched an undercover appeal directly to Pippy codenamed ‘OABB’ (Operation Anyone But Barney). See, I think you’re a nice guy, but the Swim Team, they just weren’t interested in taking reject dropouts, and that’s what you got stuck as. Sorry mate, hope it all works out and after the Swim Team spend yet another team tournament underachieving and eventually disband you can hold your head high and rejoin the Flame On lads knowing you hardly tried, went half arsed at it and weren’t bothered you let the team down cause you weren’t that fussed in the first place.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I present to you the Swim Team. Favorites, or a bunch of Blood Bowl has-beens, never beens and wannabes, you decide…?


(May I add a healthy amount of 's and certainly some 's in case anyone takes me seriously...)

(Unless I am serious, then ignore the 's and 's...)

( )

[stanrichardson]

LOL

[Wightlord]

I freely offer my booty if it will inspire you to victory against DTW!

Deal! Its cold in Hartlepool so we can use your cavity to carry Dunc around (he gets chilly)

And I have no idea who will win but just one prediction:
Jimany to steal Porrits chair while he is using it (again)...